InsaneJournal

Prompt #1 : Who Am I
For voicesinmyhead.



"Who are you." Raiden asked me, finally breaking the long silence that had filled the room. I say silence, but it wasn't, really. It was just void of conversation - there was the ever-present computer hum that I had grown so used to and the sound of him moving around on the couch behind me as he sat up. I'd felt his eyes on my back for at least twenty minutes now, studying me in a way I wasn't sure I understood.

"What do you mean?" I replied, not looking away from the screens in front of me. "You know who I am."

"I don't, though. Just your code name, that you work with Snake. The basics about Philanthropy..." He trailed off. I turned to look at him, taking in the thoughtful expression on his face, and his slumped posture. He'd been thinking about this for awhile.

"What? My name? Is that what you want?" Even now, after he'd contacted me and said he wanted to come back more than six months ago and work with Snake and I again, I hadn’t told him my real name.

Raiden was quiet for a few moments, then shook his head, though his words contrasted that negative response. "Yeah, I guess. Maybe...I mean.." Names were significant to Raiden in a way they weren't to most other people. He hadn't picked a new name for himself, but I knew he'd taken Snake's words to heart back on that dock before he'd gone running after Liquid.

"Hal," I told him, finally, shrugging. It didn't hurt anything and I knew he'd call me whatever I told him to. No one called me Hal anymore - not since E.E.'s death. She'd been the last, and somewhere inside I knew that part of me had died with her that day, bleeding out on the cold metal floor of the Plant. No, that wasn't true - Snake did it from time to time still. If something was very important to him, or I was very upset about something. I'd never understood why he did it. Otacon wasn't just a code-name for me - it was a name I genuinely liked. A code name developed from a nickname, though I'd found I was somewhat adverse to any other nicknames Snake might throw at me. I was always convinced he was teasing, even if he wasn't. It was something about the tone of his voice.

"Hal," he repeated, thoughtfully. Hearing someone else say it sent a shiver up my spine, and I turned away from him, fighting not to think of the way E.E.'s pet parrot had echoed my name over and over after she'd died.

I got to my feet, pushing the chair back away from the computer. "I'm going to go take a shower," I told him. It wasn't that he needed to know, but I felt I owed him more than just running out of the room. "Watch this for me, will you?" I asked, gesturing to the monitors behind me. Snake was out, and I was monitoring his progress. He'd be less than thrilled if he called in and got Raiden's voice instead of mine, but I knew if Raiden told him where I was he would understand. Maybe that was the reason I'd told him

He nodded, looking confused, and I casually exited the room, feeling like I couldn't get out of it fast enough.

I went straight to the bathroom, and turned on the water as hot as I could stand it, shedding my clothes behind the door where I always yelled at Snake for leaving his. I wouldn't leave them there, but it meant they were far enough away from the shower that they wouldn't get soaked. I stepped in and moved up under the spray, letting it hit me in the face as I closed my eyes and let the tears come. Tears for E.E., tears for Snake's absence - nothing would have made me happier than him crawling into that shower behind me - tears even for Raiden and that haunted look behind his eyes. That look that questioned everything around him, wondering if anything was real.

I lost track of time, standing in that shower, crying, my arms wrapped around me as the water started to get cold. I stepped out, shutting the water off, and wrapped a towel around myself. I wanted to stop by the living room and ask if Snake had called in, but as I walked past Raiden's back, my throat caught. I couldn't find words. So I walked right past him, into the bedroom and laid down. I didn't have any more tears in me, but my shoulders still shook. I buried my face in a pillow - the one that was Snake's (--) and breathed in the scent of him until I fell asleep.